THOUGHT ABOUT MY MOM

When I was born my mom was only a little under 17 yrs. older than me. We were destined to become "rivals" not by my choice. I remember when I was a "tween" watching her put on make-up and thinking-----"not me---I'll never do that". She was beautiful, and a C & W singer in my dad's band. She had a beautiful voice and looked like a movie star. Everyone loved her singing, and she even made a record once with the band. She played guitar also, and was always a "hit" at the many parties at our home and others. (My dad played accordian).

She had difficulty nurturing, and I now suspect had problems with depression. But in those days----you never spoke about it. Between the ages of 16 and 30 my mom had 5 live births, one stillborn baby, and 7 D & C's. Then she had a hysterectomy. I was 13 when this happened. Because my personality was more like my Dad's we got along better, and my mom resented this. I never understood all of the physical problems she was going through at the time. My job was to take care of the kids.

I remember resenting her because she wore mini-skirts and "gogo" boots and had her hair done every week into big beehives for performing in the band. I didn't think it was right that she try and look like "younger" people. She was 30!!! And my mom. Plus I had to stay home and baby-sit.

When she and I got older we became friends of a sort. Her social life was always most important to her----while I became a mom and a wife and learned to do all the things she didn't do, like crocheting, knitting, embroidery, needlepoint. I went to all my kids activities at school and tryed so hard NOT to be like her. Then when my kids grew older and left home, my husband and I moved to Florida (for work) and lived closer to my folks. My mom was so very happy to have me there and was hoping for a fabulous freindship and companion. I failed her. I was nothing like her I thought, and didn't want to do all the socializing things she did. Although we did shop, and play cards and I'm very grateful for that and that we did have that time together. When my daughter moved to be near me, I turned all of my attention to her and preferred spending time with her and her babies when they came along. My mom always resented this.

By this time she didn't play in the band anymore, and sad to say had become a very funtioning alchoholic (we never EVER talked about this in the family) and she had several other health problems. We had many many family functions where she attended but didn't stay long because alchohol was not the main attraction. My dad was the classic "enabler".

When my mom got sick they had moved back to Michigan full-time, and somehow she knew her time was short. We had an argument over something I now forget. She had a heart attack in December of 2001 and I flew or drove there 6 times over a period of 4 months and stayed several weeks each time until she died on May 5, 2002. I tried and tried to reconcile fully with my mom over all these weeks----and to have some good talks with her. It didn't happen. She was bitter about dieing, and wasn't always nice to me. She did say she would really miss not seeing the girls (Katie & Bekah) grow up.

Sometimes when I pass a mirror I see my mom staring back at me with a knowing look in her eyes. She knows I understand everything better now.....life......her. I wish I could tell her that.
But maybe she knows.