LYNN THINKING & WRITING

Two of the reasons I haven't been "blogging" so much is first:  Face Book.  It takes a lot of time, and you get instant gratification, sort of, to what you post.  It takes too MUCH time tho.  The 2nd reason is, it's been a hard year, and I didn't want to a "whiner" about it.  

So much has happened this year.  I have gone through a lot of different stages like Helen Kubler Ross says about DEATH & DIEING, and more to come, or maybe all over again.  I have just come to the "acceptance" sort-of, that I'm living with a man who has a terminal illness.  Also I have to deal what he is thinking.  And I don't tell him all that I know.


All sorts of things surprised and shocked me this year and some of them were:  He got pneumonis REALLY quick, was hospitalized and came home & was on oxygen for 2 more weeks.  After a brief period of wellness he then got sever shingles, and then pink-eye.  It has dawned on me.....finally....that I have to be greatful for the well times, and this is going to keep happening.  His white-cell "lymphocite" count continues to rise and crowd out the good while cells.  His immune system is crappy.  He is progressing in this disease.  

I was terrified for awhile, then accepted it, then got angry.  I was mad at him cause he can't do all the things he always has, and can't work in the workshop & make things, and build things like I always thought he would at this stage of our life.  It really made me mad. We just went on a long road-trip, 20 days, and he did the driving, thankfully.  But I did all the packing and most of the hauling in and out of stuff, and I have gradually been taking over more and more of stuff at home.  It both scares me and makes me mad.  This is not what I thought I signed up for.  But I did.  I said "for better or worse."  And I'm so very very thankful he is here.  I do everything in my power to make sure he is well, and ask all the questions of the doctors, and do the research on the internet to get more info.

So sometimes I feel AWFUl for being mad, and scared.....and thankful.  Stress.  Yes that's what it's been like.  So like I said.....it's dawning on me finally that this IS our life, and how it's going to be.  So I'm learning to be happy in our new "normal" and greatful that I am still healthy enough to be able to take over more, and do whatever he needs done.  We've spending a lot of time at the VA this year.  He just got checked out for a possible blod clot in his leg (negative).  Now he has to have CT scans to check out his lymph nodes.  No problem.  

So that's why I haven't been writing.  I'm learning a new chapter has begun in our life.  I think I have gone through most of the anger.  I love him dearly, and really really want him here as long as possible.  He is the other half of me.  I don't feel like I can exist without him.  Who loves me like he does?  The truth.....no one.   Don't pity me.  This is just what it is.  Every day people go through this and this is life.  It is what it IS.  

I'm still learning.......and I've always thought it's on on-going process forever.  I still think that.  Today is a good day.  I love that.  So, I will try to write more, and think more postive thoughts.......Such is life.